Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.