I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.