[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.