I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people