My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.