I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
japanese corn
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
mechanics be like
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me