Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Best table by far
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”