McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”