me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]