The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
ouch
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another