a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester