5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
You Might Also Like
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.