Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰