Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it