whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation