Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
#catsoftwitter
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
just make the entire table out of coaster
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
These aren’t even hard anymore.