thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*