I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.