ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
You Might Also Like
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!