Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I don’t think my car can fly
Bond. Trauma bond.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school