If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
What is going on? 😅
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.