you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’ve been learning to cook.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.