best review i’ve ever seen
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
my sentiments exactly
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.