Perfection.
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In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I can’t stop laughing at this
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle