“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.