once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.