‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
In case you needed to hear it:
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.