[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet