To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
True freaking story!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
my nickname in college
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle