Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I really had high hopes for this year though
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.