Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Mouse
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.