Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You Might Also Like
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
another case of gang violins
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
OH. COME. ON.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck