Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
They must have gotten it to go.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.