People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
You Might Also Like
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero