*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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Good morning, Twitter x
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
how to have an accident 101
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
One venti cheeseburger please.