Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.