I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.