In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience