Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]