Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”