robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm