Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind