Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%