Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Who’s your best friend?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.