I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
You Might Also Like
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
how much for the angry fruit?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Inside you there are two wolves
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people