[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab