A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*