Just a bush.
You Might Also Like
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Natural selection at its finest
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT