Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.