Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
me when i see my girls butt
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.